January 28th

Hello!

Well, my time in Honduras has come to an end. I leave tomorrow in the afternoon for Panama to spend a week with my Notre Dame ladies to celebrate Isabel´s wedding!!!  Going to be amazing, without a doubt, but as I am sitting here thinking about what has happened over this past week I can´t help but get a bit emotional.  I´ve really really enjoyed my time here and I am whole heartedly very sad to leave.

So where to begin.  Last weekend is where I left off I think... I was hoping to spend the weekend on either the Bay Islands (famous for the scuba diving) or Cayos Cuchinos (other smaller islands off the coast with very diverse wildlife and equally impressive beaches)... but was once again limited by weather.  Too bad, too, because that was my last opportunity to visit either of those places, both places I swore I would see before leaving... so I guess I´ll have to come back! darn!

Sunday was study day... I needed some Tara time so I took a long walk around the city, got lost a few times, found a delicious restaurant for lunch that served me a whole fish (with head and tail) and some yummy fried plantains and a hunk of cheese, and then watched some soccer and did some major catching up with my spanish lessons. Also on Sunday, not sure if anyone noticed or not, but Honduras won the Central American soccer cup!!  It was quite the event here, and pretty awesome to watch the finals with people who literally screamed for 20 minutes after every goal.  Reminded me of world cup times and definitely made me a little nostalgic for home. Regardless, it was a peaceful day. 

Talked with the director of the spanish school about working in the clinic this week and he called and they basically told him that they weren´t working this week.  I asked about a hospital, and the only hospital that takes volunteers is the public hospital in La Ceiba.. would´ve been great except for the fact that they´re not taking volunteers for the month of January because they´re moving hospitals into a newly built government hospital (funded by South Korea), and they haven´t been seeing any patients.  So, I took the advice of a friend (TOYYYYYYYYYYY) and did some public health research on my own and have actually learned a LOT about public health here and have basically all my questions answered (and now just lack the experience...).

Monday was absolutely a beautiful day, and my two Wyoming friends as well as a very strange by highly entertaining guy from Quebec, and I decided it was beach day. I had promised Pamela (nine year old sister here) that I would take her swimming before I left... and knowing the variability of the weather here I wasn´t about to take a chance. I asked permission from abuela to take her to the beach and after much hesitation she trusted me to take Pamela with us.  The only problem (which I did know ahead of time), is that Pamela doesn´t have the slightest idea how to swim and like most 9 year olds, doesn´t know her limit nor care to be limited by it.  When we got to the beach (the only one in the town of La Ceiba you can actually swim in because generally there´s so much pollution and garbage at the others... so sad), we found it wasn´t super clean like we were hoping for. It had lots of driftwood and garbage washed in from the ocean after the storm, but that was relatively avoidable... the problem was that the waves were absolutely massive and overwhelming.  Would´ve been perfect for boogeyboarding for a great swimmer... So, Pamela and I waded a bit in the water, with her always clutching my hand, and never got deeper than mid-thigh.. but we had a great time.  That kid is seriously a fountain of happiness and I had forgotten how much energy it takes to keep up with someone her age!!! Taking advice from Vic, we spent a bunch of time building fortresses on the beach out of driftwood, and then practiced her reading by having impromptu spelling lessons in the sand with a stick.  Really had a nice time, and topped it off with a snocone on the way home.  That night we also read a book together (I pressed her, and turns out she does have one book.. looks a lot like a 2nd or 3rd grade textbook with a compilation of short stories)... and though she´s not at the reading level for her grade, we did make some progress and I tried to encourage her as much as possible that she was doing a great job. 

Tuesday after class I went with some friends to Rio Maria, a beautiful river coming out of the mountains that in this spot have created a series of like 5 beautiful pools, connected by large waterfalls.  Spent the day playing in the water, jumping from rocks (thought about attempting a tarzan swing into the water from a vine hanging from a tree at least 200 feet in the air, but then decided that mom probably wouldn´t have approved..), attempting to sit under the waterfall for as long as possible, munching on pinapple/mangos/bananas/cataloupe, and joking around with my amigos. Beautiful day... then got eaten alive by mosquitos on the walk back home.  Tuesday was also El Dia de la Mujer (Women´s Day!) in Honduras, so I told Pamela she could choose one thing in the whole world that she wanted and she chose an ice cream cone in the mall.  So, I treated Pamela to an ice cream cone in the mall, and then bought abuela a Babe Ruth candy bar (she had confessed to me during my first week here that those are her absolute favorite but that she hadn´t eaten one in a very long time..), and got Rocio (house mom) a treat as well that Pamela picked out for her. Kind of a nice celebration, I think, and abuela was tickled pink when we gave her the candy bar and the collection of flowers that Pamela had collected from random neighbors´ yards (whoops!.. I pretended not to look) on our walk home.

Unfortunately Wednesday was an all around bad day.  By some miracle from God I hardly ever get sick in ´´real life´´, so when my general malaise that had started on Sunday and had been increasing throughout the week finally overwhelmed me when I woke up Wednesday morning, I was very much taken by surprise.  Monday and Tuesday were bad but I basically brushed it off as best I could, but Wednesday was by far the worst. High fever, chills, massive unrelenting headache, myalgias, exhaustion... horrible really.  But thank God no diarrhea (aren´t you glad you asked)... Thought for awhile that I might have had dengue and was just waiting for me to start bleeding and bruising everywhere, but much to my surprise yesterday afternoon I started feeling a lot better and then I woke up this morning pretty well rested and almost back to my 100% self. THANK GOD.. just have a little bit of a residual headache, so I´m overall happy (and no, I don´t have some parasite growing in my brain... yet). 
Wednesday was also a horrible day because both of the abuelas had some big time health problems.  It all started during lunch... we (me and two other students who all live in the same house with the family) had just gotten back from our 4 hours of morning class and were eating, and I was feeling like crap and just wanted to eat and go to sleep, and all of a sudden, the abuela (who was sitting on her chair watching telenovelas and eating like she always does), started screaming. I immediately looked up and asked what was going on and she screamed that she couldn´t move her hand, and I noticed that she had dropped her fork on the ground. A brief moment of panic went through my head (abuelo was sleeping and can hardly move on his own, Rocio house mom was gone, Pamela is of course only 9 years old and was outside down the street playing, and the other 2 students are at very beginning spanish level and don´t understand anything nor do they have any medical background).  I went over to her and her right arm was bent at the elbow and clutched against her chest. Her fingers were very very swollen and she yelped in pain when I took her hand. She was inconsolable so I couldn´t make out anything that she was saying.  I asked her to move her fingers for me and she said she couldn´t, nor could she move her wrist or her elbow. She could only partially abduct her shoulder.  She told me she couldn´t feel my touch when I touched her hand. She said her right side of the face felt funny and that her lips were tingling.  She was crying and panicking and keep asking me, Tara Tara what is happening to me????  

There are no ambulances here. They don´t have insurance. Nor any extra money. I was thinking this is worse case scenario rule-out stroke, and all that was racing through my mind was that they probably don´t have an interventional neurology team in their understaffed, understocked hospitals.. and, as I had learned earlier in the week,  regardless of the reason for your visit (you could be bleeding from 50 stab wounds).. you or your family MUST pay first or you don´t get treated. Period. Who cares about the money... Should I call a cab and get her to the hospital? Should I get a neighbor? Should I wait and see what happens?

I told the other two students to go wake the abuelo, and meanwhile I calmed down abuela.  I told her she had to be calm or I couldn´t understand what was going on.  I asked her if she had any other medical problems (something I hadn´t discussed with her in the past), and she told me she has severe arthritis (though it seemed to me that she moved her joints pretty well overall before, and there were no classic signs of rheumatoid arthritis that I could tell as I quickly looked her over), as well as ´´problemas con mi circulación´´... like what? I asked.  I don´t know, she said.. problems with my circulation!  Crap.. what does that mean.  Has she had strokes in the past? Blood clots? Low blood pressure???

The abuelo came out and when he saw the abuela freaking out he became visibly upset. He went back into his room and got some sort of paste and applied it to her arm and wrist.  It smelled like IcyHot but I didn´t look at what it was.  She started to calm down when he hugged her and kissed her head. 

Inside my head I was still freaking out... I really didnt want to let this just pass... she´s 80+ years old and deserves an evaluation I kept telling myself.  At that point I didn´t think she was having a stroke anymore, but I asked her about her right arm and hand.. she said she still couldn´t move her fingers and her whole arm felt very very weak, and the pain was definitely still present, but not as bad as before.  Was this just a muscle cramp? Some sort of arthritic attack? Did she want me to go get her ibuprofen, I asked.  I haven´t had ibuprofen in months, she responded.  Too expensive. 

I went to my bag and got my ibuprofen. By the time I got back to her she was moving her fingers, she could feel touch, and she was calm. I gave her my medicine.  Abuela, what are we going to do about this? I asked... I don´t know, mi amor, I don´t know, she said.  Then she said that we should wait til Rocio got home (about 30 minutes later) and decide from there.  Because she was back to ´´normal´´.. I decided that was ok. Ultimately that family would have to deal with the consequences of any irrational decisions I made on the fly, and I wanted to have Rocio involved.  Because I was feeling like crap still from my illness, i told her I was going to take a nap until Rocio got home but to wake me if anything else happened. She agreed, and I overall felt comfortable with her state for the next 30 minutes... 

I awoke 40 minutes later to Rocio screaming, ´´Come on, papá, let´s GO!  We have to GO!´´ This confused me... PAPA?? The abuelo?? Now what?? I got out of bed and went into the main room and found the abuelo sitting in his chair appearing delirious, white, and muttering. Also in the room was abuela who was crying, Pamela, Netti (a 23 year old Honduran law student that lives in our house with us), and Rafael, the director of the spanish school (who has a car).  Rocio was begging her father to get in Rafael´s car to go the hospital but he was adamantly refusing.  I asked what was going on, and Rocio explained that he has uncontrolled hypertension and that he was having an ´´attack´´ and needed medicine.  Does he have any medicine here, I asked?  No... he hasn´t been taking his betablocker for months.. we can´t afford it.  We don´t have any medicine except coconut milk.  ((coconut milk?????????????????))

To avoid writing a longer novel than I already have, the abuelo basically absolutely refused to go the hospital and nobody was willing to force him.  Rocio walked out, Rafael left, and everyone eventually went about their own business. I felt ill.. not only because of my sickness but also having just been apart of the past hour in the house.  Where is justice in all of this?  I, too, went to my room.. and just crashed.  I awoke 4 hours later and came out to eat dinner and quickly realized that abuelo was not there.  Rocio informed me that they had taken him to the hospital and he was being treated for what sounded like a hypertensive crisis (triggered by the stress of the episode with abuela?), and they also inadvertently found and were treating a UTI with blood cultures pending. He had left the house about an hour after the initial incident and was still at the hospital.  At this point there were about 15 other people in the house that I did not know.. I was introduced to all of them and they were all relatives who had come to visit and be supportive.  They stayed through the evening, and then all eventually went home after the abuelo got home around 9pm.  I couldn´t help but ask myself where were these people (who were well dressed, in clean clothes, speaking to me about the grad school education of their children and the baby shower they were planning for their niece..etc etc).. where were these people when the abuelos ran out of medicine or couldn´t pay their bills?  Not for me to judge, I know, because I know I don´t know their situation and I know that it´s not my business...  But I guess it makes me think about people in my life that I should be helping more than I am right now.  It also made me mad because when they were all at the house they all expected to eat because it was dinner time.  So Rocio made them food, and she used the last of the flour for tortillas, the last of the rice, the last of the beans... and she didn´t say anything about it, but after almost 3 weeks of hearing daily about the struggle to have enough food for the family I couldn´t help but resent their hunger.  Not my place, I know.. but that´s how I felt.

Thursday (yesterday) morning, I awoke to find Rocio sleeping on the couch, having stayed up all night taking care of her father.  According to her he was doing better, but was having great difficulty recognizing anybody.. including her.  Since he had returned from the hospital he had only recognized his wife of 60 years.  Later that day when I got home from classes she said that he was doing better and had recognized her and a couple other relatives who had come to visit.  I went to say hello to him and he didn´t recognize me (which I wasn´t hurt by.. but it was kind of weird to see as 24 hours before he had been joking with me about taking me dancing in the discoteca). He looked sick.  Later in the evening last night he was out walking around, and eating some too which was good..   it has just been quite the past couple of days.  Now the family is stressing about how to the pay the $15 doctor consult fee, as well as pay for all of the medicine.  I told them that I could help with that, and went to the pharmacy and picked up meds as well as the largest bottle of ibuprofen I could find.

The more I think about it, the more upset I get. These sorts of things happen everywhere, including the US, and I´m frankly pissed off because things shouldn´t be this way.  But who´s role is it to bridge this gap?  Is it government? Public health? Hospitals? Insurance companies? Families?   My leanings are becoming more and more toward government and public health...  but what is my role????




On another note, Spanish classes ended today. I graduated, woo!!!!!   I have really progressed a lot in this past week as I finished my grammar review and got a new teacher who is quite good and has been pushing me a lot.  Like the past Fridays at the school, the students who are finishing that week are presented with a certificate and have to make a speech in front of everyone!!  I was suprised at how easy it seemed.. my thoughts flowed out in spanish (though I´m sure it wasn´t perfect) and I expressed my gratitude for their patience and diligence in my education.  Very very happy about how all of that went.
This afternoon I´m just spending wrapping up my life here in La Ceiba.  Doing laundry (first time so far.. and absolutely positively needed), as well as contacting friends I´ve met here and letting them know it´s my last night around. 

Friday nights in La Ceiba are quite the experience, and tonight should be a good one.  I´m sad to leave, though, as I´ve learned a lot here, met some very interesting and good people, and I´ve grown too. 

Before leaving I´ve decided that I´m going to write a note to the abuela thanking her for making my time here so good, as well as expressing to her what I´ve learned from her and how she´s been a very good role model for me. I intend to leave it in a place where only she´ll find it after I leave. I´ll also leave some cash and let her know that it can be spent as she wishes but that I hope she can use it for things for Pamela (like books,  a soccer ball or art supplies, and also for her religion classes that she desperately wants to take but require an up-front payment that her family hasn´t been able to afford), as well as for their continuing medication needs and house needs. Also, for a treat here and there, because we all deserve one, right? 



Tomorrow afternoon I´m off to Panamá, and then will be arriving in Guatemala on February 7th to meet up with my friend Harry. So begins 4 weeks of more fun & less work.. but all for learning and growing nonetheless.

Hope all is well,
Tara